Can I Have Your Pickle? Transcript

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Transcript for Feed Dump- Can I Have Your Pickle?

{FEED DUMP TITLE}

Graham: Welcome to Feed Dump. It's super-hot here this week, so we are "things that have melted or burst into flames". I am "the polar ice caps". Sorry to start on a downer. But, like the polar ice caps, I'll will be in Boston this weekend. Joining me this week is "Cam's cashmere"...

Cameron: Help me. I've been laminated.

Graham: ...and "Ash's brain".

{SHOT OF ASH, LIMP IN HER CHAIR WITH SMOKE COMING OUT OF HER MOUTH SLOWLY}

Graham: {TO ASH} Are you OK?!

{TITLE: DO NOT RELEASE THE MAGIC BRAIN SMOKE}

Graham: We've recently covered stories of jail time for stolen rental tapes and stolen televisions from ages ago. But a Michigan couple is facing up to 93 days in prison and a $500 fine for a library book from 2014.

Cameron: Did they lend the "Necronomicon"?!

Ash: It would've been a solid 100 days but they gave them a free week out of jail because they filled out their "Ready Readers" stamp card.

Cameron: Ewww. Next time, just steal a car. Reading is dangerous.

Graham: The couple had $35 in late fees for a copy of "The Rome Prophecy" that they borrowed last year and their son LOST a Dr. Suess book - that, apparently, no one knows the name of - in 2014.

Cameron: Oh, The Places You'll Get Shanked!

Ash: Uh, last I checked, Dr. Suess books were only, like, nine dollars. Can't they just buy a new one? Is it special? Did he lick it? Was it bound in his hair?

Cameron: At least if it was bound in his skin and inked with his blood, it would be kinda like the "Necronomicon".

Ash: KLAATU...BARADA...LORAX!

Graham: See, part of the problem is that the county's "Economic Crimes Unit" is charging them a $105 {FINGER QUOTES} "diversion fee" {SHRUGS} for each of these two infractions.

Ash: OK, what in the everlasting fuck is a "diversion fee"?!

Cameron: {POINTS PAST ASH} Look over there! A fee!

Ash: {LOOKS AWAY} What?!

{CAMERON'S HAND, PALM UP, COMES INTO VIEW}

Cameron: {OFF-SCREEN} Five-hundred dollars, please.

Ash: Shit!

Graham: And they tried to send fifty-five dollars for late fees and replacing the book. And the prosecutor's office refused to accept it because they wouldn't pay this mythical fee to the Crime Unit. They're out of jail on a $100 bail right now. They've also said they'll never borrow a book from a library again. So, good job, everyone!

Ash: What I'd really like to know is what actual crimes are getting IGNORED in Michigan because they're sending "Crime Units" after late library books?!?

Graham: The University at Buffalo in Buffalo, New York, which has only about 30,000 students total, inadvertently sent out acceptance letters to five thousand students over the weekend.

Cameron: The University of Buffalo is happy to offer you enrollment...{PULLS HAND BACK}...ohhhhhhhhhh, too slow.

Ash: {LOOKING AT iPHONE} Hey, Graham, check it out! I got accepted into the University of Buffalo.

Graham: {OFF-SCREEN} No way! Did you even apply?!

Ash: No!

Cameron: The two-weeks late and brutally cruel April Fool's Day gag is about what I'd expect from academic correspondence

Ash: {LOOKING AT iPHONE} Wait, does ANYBODY ever apply to the University of Buffalo? Maybe this is just how they get students.

Graham: {LOOKING AT iPHONE} I don't remember applying here...but I guess I'm moving to Buffalo. I hear the wings are good.

Cameron: I'm glad to see that the school's administration is preparing its students for a life of bitter disappointment and crushed expectations after they dedicate years of their life to better participating in their culture and expanding the knowledge of mankind so that they can be told by their elders that they are really "entitled" for expecting to be able to find a job.

{SHOT OF GRAHAM AND ASH LOOKING AT CAMERON}

Ash: I'm a web cartoonist.

Graham: I make dumb videos on the Internet.

Cameron: {OFF-SCREEN} Are you gonna finish your pickle?

Graham: No.

Graham: A couple of days ago it was the {WITH TITLES BELOW GRAHAM} "Twentieth of Vapril" or, as it's known colloquially, "4/20: Smoke Weed Every Day". And the Vancouver Aquatic Center decided not to open for fear that it would get inadvertently turned into a giant "hot box" because they can't turn off the air circulation system. So they just decided to keep everyone out of the building.

Ash: I want to make a joke...but that's totally reasonable.

Cameron: It never occurred to me to get blazed and go swimming. That sounds totally sweet! I'm going to drown later today.

Graham: See, the Aquatic Center is right beside Sunset Beach, which is where Vancouver's "4/20: Smoke Weed Every Day" celebrations will be taking place, after moving their this year from the previous location outside the Vancouver Art Gallery (or "the VAG"). And 25,000...uh, "weed-mans" are expected to be "lighting up". So the public pool was, like, "How about, no?"

Ash: I don't know why the city of Vancouver is trying to stop this. It's Vancouver. There's mountains on one side. If they could figure out a way to put a wall in between them and the ocean, the whole CITY would be "hot-boxed".

Cameron: This is all you DO in Vancouver. {COUNTS OFF ON FINGERS} You get baked, you get priced out of your own home and you try not to wind up in the background of whatever "Stargate" spinoff they're filing on Cambie.

Graham: The Vancouver Park Board has asked whatever passed for organizers to find a different location because smoking is illegal in parks and beaches in Vancouver. But...you can't...really...stop...25,000 kinda-chilled affable dudes.

Cameron: Yeah, they're kinda like a really slow juggernaut that advances inexorably towards Doritos and ice cream.

Ash: I mean, the police could TRY to stop them. But the cloud of marijuana smoke that's around them is in a three-block radius. So, by the time they got there, I think the police would be feeling it.

Graham: On a related note, someone on last week's episode said they were unsubscribing because we clearly didn't know anything about stoners...which is akin to telling a Frenchman they don't know anything about wine! But there you are. Until next time, remember: there may be better sources for news but they don't have THIS hat...{PUTS ON A BLACK TOQUE WITH A "KEYTAR" STITCHED ON THE FRONT}...which is, uh, too warm for the weather out today...BUT {POINTS TO KEYTAR} it has a sick embroidered keytar on it which is great for...if I wanna...make some keytar jams...which I always do...all the, all the time. {PAUSE} I stand by that.

{FEED DUMP CREDITS}

{SHOT OF GRAHAM WITH TOQUE STILL ON}

Graham: Keytar jams.

Ash: {OFF-SCREEN} Some days, that's all you talk about.

Graham: Constantly!

{SHOT OF CAMERON}

Ash: {OFF-SCREEN} Every time I'm here, someone's playing "Dark Souls". That the only game played?

Cameron: It's the ONLY game.