Bodily Fluids, Ranked Transcript

From LoadingReadyWiki
Jump to: navigation, search

Transcript for Feed Dump- Bodily Fluids, Ranked

{FEED DUMP TITLE}

Kathleen: Welcome to Feed Dump where this week, in honor of Mother's Day, we are other holidays that your mother is expecting a phone call for. I am Columbus Day, and I should not be a holiday if you even have a base understanding of how history works. {SIGHS} Uh, joining me this week is Valentine's Day,

Serge: Wait, I'm... supposed to call my mom on Valentine's Day? That's weird.

Kathleen: And Arbor Day.

Paul: My love for you is like a tree/Uh, thank you for giving birth to me.

{TITLE: MAYBE CALL YOUR MOM, JUST IN CASE?}

Kathleen: In honor of you two, my most innocent and well-adjusted Feed Dump guests, I've prepared a special load-out of news this week. Nobody dies, nobody gets hurt, it's the closest we can get to {AIR-QUOTES} "feel-good Feed Dump news".

{SHOT OF SERGE AND PAUL}

Serge: {EXCITEDLY} Whoo, yay!

Paul: {SHOCKED} What?!

Serge: No, it's good!

Paul: I-I can be filthy too! Uh... Butt? {SERGE LAUGHS} That's a thing people say on Feed Dump, right?

Kathleen: A man in Camberley, England, is rejoicing after solving forty-four years of having a blocked nose because he sneezed out a toy dart that he had stuck up there when he was seven.

Paul: I like to imagine that for forty-four years, he {HOLDS HIS NOSE AND SPEAKS THROUGH IT} sounded like this and it's like "Hey guys, how's it- AAAACHOOOOO! {SPEAKS IN A DEEPER VOICE} Hey guys, how's it going?"

Serge: This is like that episode of The Simpsons where Homer gets the crayon out of his brain and he gets superpowers. This guy has superpowers, right?

Kathleen: Well, he doesn't have a runny nose and hay fever all the time. Does that count as a superpower?

Paul: You mean everything doesn't smell like old rubber? Amazing!

Serge: Old rubber probably still smells like old rubber.

Paul: But the old rubber smell would be so much more vibrant now!

{SHOT OF SERGE AND PAUL}

Paul: Oh, what is that amazing smell?

Serge: {DISGUSTED} It's dead old rotting fish!

Paul: Wow!!

Kathleen: So the guy, whose name is Steve Easton by the way, was just sitting at home on his computer and he started sneezing and all of a sudden, this like slightly decomposed, like, gross old, like, toy dart rubber sucker thing just flew out of his left nostril. And he was like "What is this?" and phoned his parents, they were like, "Oh yes, we'd thought you inhaled one when you were a boy and we took you to the hospital but they didn't find it, so we figured you ate it." So there you go. "Check your kid's nostrils" is, I guess, the moral of this story.

Serge: As revolting as the entire story is, I am somewhat disappointed that there wasn't a Total Recall-esque scene where he put tweezers up there and he had to force this thing out of his brain.

Paul: I don't know if this guy has kids, but it's gotta be kind of weird if one of his kids got a cold and they're like, "Oh, my nose is all stuffed up. Can I stay home from school?" And he'll be like, "Oh really, your nose is stuffed up? Has it been stuffed up for FORTY-FOUR YEARS? No? Well then, maybe just suck it up!"

Kathleen: A New Zealand mother who became lost while running an off-road trail race survived overnight without food or shelter by building herself a berm out of dirt and leaves and drinking her own breast milk for sustenance.

Serge: Eww. Wait, is this eww?

Kathleen: It isn't gross, it's a tale of survival and resilience and... {BEAT} Um... And how do you get {MIMES MOVING HER BREAST TOWARDS HER MOUTH} logistically though? This... {SHRUGS}

Paul: Drinking breast milk is probably not something that people want to do on a regular basis, but... I have to say, out of all the fluids that can come out of the human body, that's probably the one I would want to drink the most?

Kathleen: Ooh! You know what that means? It's time for an all-new Feed Dump segment. For the first time ever, it's Paul's Top 10 Bodily Fluids!

{TITLE: PAUL'S TOP TEN BODILY FLUIDS RANKED! (BY VISCOSITY?)

Paul: There's ten different fluids?

Kathleen: Thank you for watching Paul's Top 10 Bodily Fluids!

{TITLE: ALL WE KNOW IS THAT BILE IS NOT LOOKING LIKE A TOP 5 CONTENDER.}

Serge: {COUNTING OFF HIS FINGERS} Not only is this a nursing mother, but a superfit, outdoors-y, cross-country, survival human? I can't even make toast in the morning! Oh man.

Paul: Oh don't worry, Serge. I'm sure someday you'll get lost in the woods and then you'll have to use your resourcefulness and your own bodily fluids to stay alive. Unfortunately you may have to start at No. 2 on the Bodily Fluids list.

Serge: You never actually gave a list. Which one is No. 2?

Paul: Well, you'll have to find that out for yourself, but let me tell you there is a pretty big gap between No. 1 and No. 2.

Kathleen: I'd like to remind all our viewers at home that these are our two cleanest, sweetest, most innocent hosts.

Serge: Oh God, please don't be {AIR-QUOTES} "No. 2"!

Kathleen: Police in North Adams, Massachusetts, have had to issue a public warning, advising people not to attempt to chase bears through the woods while they are drunk, especially if you are doing so while wielding a dull hatchet.

Serge: This might be one of those warnings that gives people an idea that they normally wouldn't have themselves.

{SHOT OF SERGE AND PAUL. SERGE IS WEARING A PINK SHIRT AND A BLACK CAP BACKWARDS. PAUL IS WEARING A PURPLE SHIRT AND A LIGHT-BLUE CAP BACKWARDS.}

Paul: Oh man, you know what we should do? We should go get a hatchet and then get real, real drunk and chase a bear in the woods!

Serge: Okay. But safety first, bro: dull hatchet.

Paul: That's a good call, good call.

{SHOT OF JUST PAUL, OUT OF COSTUME}

Paul: What I especially like about that little skit we just did, uh, is that the plan is to get drunk and chase a bear with a hatchet, not "we're gonna chase a bear with a hatchet because we're super drunk." Like, the plan is, "we're sober now, we're gonna get drunk and then chase the bear."

Serge: Considering neither Paul nor I drink, we're kind of just making up what people do when they drink. Like, we have no idea.

Paul: Uh, I mean, we have a pretty good idea. Apparently, they chase bears with dull hatchets. There's a whole story about it.

Kathleen: So the circumstances that led to this extremely specific police warning, uh, were that on Tuesday night, the police in North Adams were called out by a concerned citizen because their neighbor was running around while drunk trying to chase bears and the police showed, and that was indeed the case and they took the guy into police custody so that he could... not do that while he was super drunk. And then they issued this statement: {READS FROM iPHONE} "We understand that there are bears in the area. If you see a bear, leave it alone." {SHAKES HEAD} Thank you, North Adams Police Department, for that incredible advice.

Paul: {WEARING POLICE HAT} Alright, we have tried to go over this on several occasions, but it is clearly not working. So you know what? Let's just let natural selection do its job. Go ahead, chase bears if you want.

Kathleen: And with that, we must call this episode to a close. But before we go, a Feed Dump safety tip from us to you: If you're drunk and thinking of chasing... any mammal around in the woods while wielding a weapon, dull or not, how about don't? That's jus- that's a freebie, that's just, go out and live your life according to that motto and you'll probably get less tetanus. And remember: there may be better sources of news, {PUTS ON VIKING HELMET} but they don't have this hat, and if you're thinking "Hey, haven't they used this hat before?", we have. But other sources of news still don't have it, so deal with it!

{FEED DUMP CREDITS}

{SHOT OF SERGE AND PAUL. SERGE IS WEARING A BLUE POLICE SHIRT AND POLICE HAT. PAUL IS WEARING A CAMOUFLAGE SHIRT AND HOLDING A RUSTY SAW.}

Paul: {WHISPERING HOARSELY} Be vewwy quiet, I'm hunting bears!

Serge: {WEARING BLUE SHIRT AND POLICE HAT} Sir, you're in a mall.

Paul: {WHISPERING HOARSELY} That's where they live.

{SHOT OF JUST PAUL, STILL HOLDING THE SAW}

Paul: So it turns out we don't actually have a blunt hatchet here at the office, but we do have this rusty saw which is just as bad.