Boards of Beyonce Transcript
Transcript for Feed Dump- Boards of Beyonce
{FEED DUMP TITLES}
Graham: Welcome to Feed Dump where we are bored with Canada. I am Tomorrow's Harvest, the newest Boards of Canada album.
Kathleen: {OFFSCREEN} Yaaaaayyy!
Graham: Which is why we're doing this.
Kathleen: {OFFSCREEN} Yay.
Graham: Yeah, and joining me this week is A Few Old Tunes Vol. 1,
Kathleen: I'm a cassette tape that they only gave out to their family and friends. There's only a few copies of me and any listings on E-Bay have reached thousands of dollars before being mysteriously cancelled.
Graham: and The Campfire Headphase.
Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP THROUGHOUT MOST OF THIS EPISODE} It's beeps and boops, it makes Kathleen happy in her face.
Graham: And the three of us are gonna compose some ethereal soundscapes.
{TITLE: LETS COMPOSE SOME ETHEREAL SOUNDSCAPES (SUBTITLE: I'VE BEEN WAITING LIKE 8 YEARS FOR TOMORROW'S HARVEST. LET ME HAVE THIS)}
Graham: An elementary school in Hayward California is conducting a buyback program where they will accept toy guns from children and exchange them for books and entries to win a bike.
Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP} Hayward ya blow me away?
{SHOT OF KATHLEEN AND ALEX ON THE COUCH. ALEX IS WEARING A BLACK CAP SIDEWAYS}
Alex: {IN YOUNG CHILD'S VOICE} I got uh- I got a Nerf Gun. {HANDS YELLOW NERF GUN TO KATHLEEN}
Kathleen: Thank you, Timmy.
Alex: {IN YOUNG CHILD'S VOICE} And I got a Pew-Pew Laser Blaster. {HANDS GREY LASER BLASTER TO KATHLEEN}
Kathleen: Oh thank you.
Alex: {IN YOUNG CHILD'S VOICE} And uh this nine-millimeter Uzi. {HANDS GENUINE-LOOKING UZI TO KATHLEEN}
Kathleen: ...That's great. That's terrific. {TENTATIVELY TAKES UZI FROM ALEX}
Alex: {IN YOUNG CHILD'S VOICE} It's my favorite.
Kathleen: I bet.
{SHOT OF KATHLEEN}
Kathleen: Unfortunately, the book they're giving away is "How to Care for your Gun".
Alex: Or just- "The History of World War II Firearms".
Kathleen: "The NRA Handbook".
Alex: The bike has a gun rack.
Graham: Police in Ohio are desperate to fill their ticketing quota this summer, and people are desperate to be ticketed, because what they are ticketing... is for kids who are wearing their bike helmet, and the tickets... are for free ice cream.
Alex: ICE CREEEAAAAMM! {TAKES OFF BLACK CAP; PUTS ON BLACK AIRFORCE PILOT'S HELMET}
Kathleen: This is so wonderful. This is instilling faith in the police to a whole generation of young people who will turn around in a few years and go: {FLIPS IMAGINARY POLICE OFF} "Fuck you, pigs" as they drink alcohol illegally behind a barn.
Alex: {WEARING BLACK AIRFORCE PILOT'S HELMET} My safety tastes like mint-chocolate chip.
Graham: Some very entertaining quotes from the police chief, saying {READING} "Effective next week, my officers will have a quota for tickets... at least one per shift. And- and we will be profiling too. We will target a specific group with the express purpose of writing as many tickets as possible." That group they're profiling is, twelve year olds.
Kathleen: What a great program. And just think, if Ice-T had been exposed to this, perhaps his lyrics to his subliminal song "Cop Killer" would go like this. Alex, give me a beat.
Alex: {OFFSCREEN, STARTS BEATBOXING OVER KATHLEEN'S SONG}
Kathleen: {BOBS HEAD TO RHYTHM AS SHE STARTS RAPPING TO TUNE OF COP KILLER BY ICE-T} I got my black shirt on/ I got my latex gloves on/ I got my face mask on, this shit's buttered becon/ I got my scoop sawed off/ I got my ice cream trough/ I'm about to add some shots of caramel toff/ I'm bout to dust some cones off. Ice cream eater. {DANCES} Ice cream eater! {LAUGHS}
It is breath-taking how white we are.
Alex: I think you mean, vanilla.
Graham: Speak for yourself, I'm straight up hood.
When a train line in northern Stockholm came under new management, one of the things handed down was that the uniform no longer included shorts, which is unfortunate for drivers in the summer who don't want swamp ass. So all the men have taken to wearing... skirts. And the company can't stop them because that would be discrimination.
Alex: I like that they skipped over the Utilikilt and went right to dresses.
Kathleen: They couldn't wear Utilikilts because fedoras also aren't part of the dress code.
And now dozens of Swedish men are discovering what women have known for millenia: there is no better way to keep your balls dry than to wear a skirt in the summer.
Alex: Wait, what?
Kathleen: {FINGER TO HER LIPS} Shhh! Shhhhhhhh! Sh, sh, shhhh!
{PANS TO ALEX, AS KATHLEEN MOVES HER FINGER TO HIM}
Alex: Say there, Paul finger!
Graham: I think the only thing those guys haven't discovered, is how bad a skirt looks with ankle-high black socks.
The rider for a 1964 Beatles performance in Vancouver is now on display in the Vancouver archives, and out of all the crazy things they could have requested, the ONLY unusual thing on their entire rider is that they wanted Coca-Cola wherever they went.
Kathleen: Wow. That's, like, super reasonable, and way better than my rider, because my rider is, Coca-Cola, Diet Coca-Cola, {PUTS HANDS ON FACE} and EIGHT KITTIES TO CUDDLE!
Alex: Or like Slayer's rider, which is like ten goats.
Kathleen: Wow, that's crazy. That's also Beyonce's rider.
Alex: The blood is so good for her complexion.
Kathleen: {SWAYING HER ARMS SIDE TO SIDE, SINGING TO THE TUNE OF SINGLE LADIES BY BEYONCE} If you like it, you shoulda put a goat on it/ If you like it, you need to put a goat on it/ Or I'm not playing in your podo town.
Alex: Or just hold the goat in front of you {MIMES SWINGING A GOAT AROUND} and flop its little goat... hooves, I guess.
{SHOT OF ALEX AND KATHLEEN ON COUCH. ALEX HAS HIS HANDS ON THE SIDES OF HIS HEAD, WITH THE INDEX AND MIDDLE FINGERS UP TO INDICATE GOAT HORNS. KATHLEEN IS DANCING LIKE BEFORE}
Kathleen: {TO THE TUNE OF SINGLE LADIES BY BEYONCE} If you like it, you shoulda put a goat on it.
Alex: {BLEATS LIKE GOAT} Baaah!
Kathleen: If you like it, you need to put a goat on it.
Alex: {BLEATS LIKE GOAT} Maaaahaaaa!
Kathleen: If you like it, you shoulda put a- {BREAKS}
Alex: {SCREAMS LIKE GOAT} AAAAAHHH!
Graham: And with that... {BRINGS MICROPHONE CLOSE TO HIS FACE, TALKS IN LOUD WHISPER} This is Graham, signing off for Feed Dump. And until next time, remember, there may be better sources for news, {PUTS ON GREY FLATCAP} but they don't have this hat. And now, back to you in the studio.
{FEED DUMP CREDITS}
Kathleen: Fun fact: A goat scream is actually its natural defense against being placed in a Beyonce video.
