Bird Spy Transcript

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Transcript for Feed Dump- Bird Spy

FEED DUMP TITLE

Kathleen: Welcome to Feed Dump where it's E3 season and that means "Woo, new video game announcements!" This week, we're all the games we're most excited for. I am Fallout 4, otherwise known as DOG FRIEND! Joining me this week is XCOM 2,

Ian: I'm blissfully more of the same.

Kathleen: And Dark Souls III.

Alex: {WEARING CRUSADER'S HELM} PRAISE THE SUN!

Kathleen: Who says original ideas are dead?

{TITLE: ORIGINAL IDEA 2: THE ORIGINALING}

Kathleen: Indian officials have arrested a Pakistani spy. The spy is a pigeon. They think this pigeon is a spy. It landed on a house in India about four miles from the Pakistan border, and it had like a message in Urdu (which is the language they speak in Pakistan) on its leg and a phone number, and the boy who found the pigeon thought it was extremely suspicious so he took it to the police. {BEAT} Spy bird.

Ian: I thought doves were traditionally the birds of peace.

Alex: True. Pigeons, on the other hand, are shit-hocking turncoats.

Ian: How do we know it was a spy? It was caught in the act of {MAKES A COOING SOUND FOR THE FIRST PART OF PUN}coo-llution.

Alex: {RAISES HIS HAND TO POINT AT HIS EYES THEN MOVES FINGERS AT IAN IN AN "I'M WATCHING YOU" MOVE, COMPLETE WITH WHOOSHING, DOOR CREAKING AND GLASS SHATTERING SOUND EFFECTS}

Ian: Okay, enough jokes about the pigeon's character. If it's a spy, I really want to know which model of Aston Martin it drove.

Alex: {MIMES POURING OUT COCKTAIL AND SERVING IT, AS BARTENDER} Bird seed and curd water, sir. Tried to get it shaken not stirred, but it's very small.

Ian: {JAMES BOND THEME MUSIC STARTS PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND} James Bird will return in: Octocloaca!

{POSTER FOR OCTOPUSSY APPEARS, BUT WITH THE TITLE CHANGED TO OCTOCLOACA AND THE ACTORS' HEADS REPLACED WITH DUCK HEADS}

Alex: {MUSIC ENDS WITH RECORD SCRATCH} Is that the hashtag for Splatoon porn?

Ian: {OFF-SCREEN} No, that's my Goldbeak fanfic.

Alex: {NODS IN UNDERSTANDING}

Kathleen: A robber in Macon, Georgia got creative this week when he uh went to a doctor's office and asked to see a doctor, and when he got into the examination room, he held up the doctor at gunpoint and demanded his wallet, his briefcase and his pants. Authorities have not found him and are asking the public to call in with any tips.

Ian: {IN SOUTHERN ACCENT} I'm no fancypants doctor, but I do have his fancy pair of pants.

Alex: Did he perhaps want to give the doctor a taste of his own "turn-and-cough" medicine?

{SHOT OF IAN AND ALEX}

Ian: Seems to me that... he'd take his pants so that he wouldn't be able to chase him.

Alex: No, that makes too much sense for Feed Dump. {DOES "I'M WATCHING YOU" GESTURE AT IAN}

{SHOT OF JUST IAN}

Ian: If you're suffering from the effects of pantslessness, ask your doctor if armed robbery's right for you.

Alex: Side effects include: gun, double pants'ed, and five to seven years in a state penitentiary.

Kathleen: Police in Serbia have arrested two twelve-year old boys after they allegedly put on balaclavas, stormed their classroom, threatened their teacher with a plastic gun and then stole their grade book.

Ian: That is super weird. When I was in high school, we learned about teen pregnancy by carrying around a sack of flour for a week.

Alex: No, it's abstinence only in that school and we all see how that turned out.

Ian: See, kids? This is why you should stay in school and study hard, because otherwise you'll think shit like this is a good idea.

Alex: {OFF-SCREEN} Where's the joke, Ian? You said there would be joke!

Ian: {WAVES HAND ACROSS SCREEN}

{"THE MORE YOU KNOW" GRAPHIC STARTS, THEN GETS ABRUPTLY CUT OFF WITH RECORD SCRATCH}

Kathleen: Oi! I'm the only one who puts in "The More You Know"! {DOES "I'M WATCHING YOU" GESTURE AT IAN}

Ian: Really feel like I'm on thin Feed Dump ground this week. {KATHLEEN'S AND ALEX'S HANDS COME INTO SHOT, POINTING AT IAN AS HE TUGS HIS SHIRT COLLAR UNCOMFORTABLY}

{"THE MORE YOU KNOW" GRAPHIC. SUBTITLE: DON'T MESS WITH ME HORNER}

Kathleen: According to police reports, what happened was that a third boy put the other two boys up to this uh because his grades were really bad, and they are good friends with tiny brains.

Alex: Why, in my day, wanted to talk about peer pressure, we just applied pressure to a feller on a pier. Put 'im in the Hudson River. Weren't no problem after that. Mmmm.

Ian: How charismatic is this third kid that he can make his friends commit actual acts of terrorism for him?

Alex: {AS BREATHLESSLY EXCITED TEENAGE GIRL} Oh my God, Becky! He's such a dreamy bad boy! Mmmm!

Ian: I hope after everything's settled out that someone learned a lesson from this.

Alex: They were doing so poorly in school that they had to steal the grade book. They have clearly learned nothing all year.

Ian: They learned how to... storm a classroom.

Alex: Not even! They were caught immediately!

Ian: I suppose the lesson here is you shouldn't ask a twelve-year old mercenary to do a job that a bird could do better.

Kathleen: Actually, I think the moral of this story is {COUNTS OFF FINGERS} that twelve-year olds are dumb. And birds are dumb. And people who rob doctors and take their pants are dumb. Oh my God, the moral of this Feed Dump is just that people are dumb. But that's the moral of every Feed Dump! {SIGHS AND THROWS UP HER HANDS} I guess we didn't learn anything after all. But on that bombshell, we must call this episode to a close. But remember: there may be better sources of news, but they don't have {PUTS ON BLACK PAX AUSTRALIA ENFORCERS BERET} this hat, which I'm pretty sure I have on correctly but it's kind of hard to put on a hat on camera. This is a PAX Australia Enforcers beret, and... Looks very nice. This was sent to us by Nick, with the instructions that it should fit Graham's head, but it's sized for my head because I am the true Feed Dump host. Well, maybe we did learn something this week. Yeah, that's right. Come at me, bro! {WAVES HANDS IN BECKONING} Yeaaahhhhhh... {TURNS HAND MOVEMENTS INTO PINCHING MOVES} Crab hands!

{FEED DUMP CREDITS}

Alex: Why the... pants?