Beej No Transcript

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Transcript for Feed Dump- Beej No

{FEED DUMP TITLE}

Kathleen: Welcome to Feed Dump where, this week, we did NOT decide what we are going to be, so I decided to surprise my co-hosts. Uh, because I'm a generous person and I run "Ms. Kathleen's Home for Retched Children". They're not retched children; they run their OWN homes. Such as Beej who runs the "Home For the Terminally Disjocular"...

Beej: We see to a great number of dower radio hosts.

Kathleen: ...and Cori, who runs a "Home for the Underprivileged Avunculars".

Cori: NONE of my uncles work at Nintendo.

{TITLE: TRULY THEY ARE POOR AND AWFUL}

Kathleen: Philadelphia has put out a warning to residents reminding them not to swim in dumpsters.

Beej: Did you know that, prior to this, there were just a whole bunch of RULES about swimming in a dumpster? For example: no dumpster diving.

Cori: No running near the dumpster.

Beej: The classic: "This is our dumpster. Notice there's no 'p' in it"...wait...

Cori: No horseplay; horses can become trapped in the dumpster.

Beej: Don't eat a half-hour before going IN the dumpster or, indeed, anything you FIND in the dumpster.

Cori: No lane swimming because the lane needs to be clear for the garbage truck.

Beej: And no "dropping the kids off at the pool"...{WINKS} Wink, wink.

Kathleen: So this is not just any random dumpster that people filled with water. Uh, the organizers of the block party that had this "dumpster pool" power-washed it out, and then they lined the bottom with tarps and plywood and they even lined the corners with "pool noodles" to try and keep it safe. But that was not enough for the city of Philadelphia which, I can reasonably say, {HOLDS UP iPHONE} is pissed because this is an ACTUAL statement from a spokesperson: {READS FROM PHONE} "You would think this decision would not require an explanation. We are not screwing around, Philly." (That's a real quote.) "The City strongly recommends that residents opt for recreational options that are safer, more sanitary, and less likely to deplete the resources firefighters need in an emergency." So, maybe, like a RECYCLING BIN pool or something.

Cori: If the problem is the water usage, then maybe they should swim in something else that Philly has a lot of. Like cream cheese.

Beej: Or cheese steak? Why does all your stuff have to do with cheese, Philly?!

{BRIEF SHOT OF OPENING TITLE FOR "UNSOLVED MYSTERIES"}

Beej: This dumpster DIY is very clever. And I'm sure they learned how to do it from when they made a pool out of the {LIBERTY BELL SUPERIMPOSED OVER BEEJ'S LEFT SHOULDER} Liberty Bell.

Kathleen: Beej, aside from being a national monument of SOME historical significance, you do realize the Liberty Bell has a giant stonking crack in the side, don't you?!

Beej: That's why you line that fucker with a tarp! Or at least, like, a REALLY big garbage bag!

Kathleen: {TO BEEJ} I know that this is all fun and games but I do just LOVE the image of you going up to the Liberty Bell, flipping it upside down, jamming a garbage bag into the crack and being, like, "There! Fixed it! Who wants a bath?"

{TEST PATTERN FOLLOWED BY IAN IN KATHLEEN'S CHAIR WEARING AN APRON AND WITH A DIFFERENT LOGO ON THE TV}

Ian: Coming up this week on "Tinker Tailor Solder Fry", Beej desecrates yet another national monument while Cori makes apology bracelets.

{BACK TO FEED DUMP...}

Kathleen: Dateline: Charles City, Iowa where a freight train car derailed and plowed into a track-side bar called "Derailed". {BEAT} No one was hurt.

Cori: Wait, no one was hurt? Why is this bar so unpopular?

Beej: 'Cause it's got a great big fucking train in it.

Kathleen: Beej, no. Uh, the bar was empty because it was 4am when this happened.

Beej: Empty at 4am? That's no excuse for a bar next to the tracks.

Cori: WAS the bar next to the tracks?

Beej: Oh, shit, I hope not! That would've been rad to watch!

Kathleen: Beej, I'm gonna need you to disembark from the hype train because the bar actually WAS next to the railroad tracks and that's why it was CALLED "Derailed". And, really, what this is is just nominative determinism taken to its logical extremes.

Beej: I can only hope that the song in the jukebox at that moment was "Runaway Train (Never Comin' Back)".

Cori: Are we just listing Train songs now 'cause I can play. Um, "Drops of Jupiter".

Kathleen: Oh, train songs? {SINGING} Choo-choo-ch-choo...Mr. Train comin' on down...I lost the plot of what we were doing...choo-choo!

Beej: You have a baby! How can you not know any train songs?! Like the "Thomas the Tank Engine" theme?!

Cori: I already said "Drops of Jupiter".

{SHOT OF THOMAS THE TANK ENGINE WITH BIGGIE SMALLS' FACE ON IT WITH A VERSE FROM "PEPPY" PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND}

Kathleen: A Chinese tourist lost his wallet and ended up in a German home for refugees by mistake.

Beej: Oh, it's always a bad idea to end up in a German camp on holiday...

Kathleen: {MOVING INTO SHOT} DON'T MENTION THE WAR!

{CHANNEL TWO "TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES SLATE SHOWS FOR A FEW SECONDS}

Kathleen: {HOLDING iPHONE, RELIEVED} OK. So here's what happened: the guy loses his wallet in early July when he gets to Stuttgart. {READS FROM iPHONE} "Officials have figured that, instead of going to police to file a stolen goods report, he somehow ended up at an authority that presented him with an asylum application." From there he filled out the application, got "sent to Dortmund in northwestern Germany and", from there, to a refugee home in another city because he just did what he was told. And then the officials noticed that something was wrong because he was not like the other refugees; he was actually, somehow, more helpless than the other refugees that had come to Germany. Anyhow, he was in a refugee home for TWELVE DAYS before they'd finally figured out what had happened...that he just actually just wanted to go to France and Italy, not to seek asylum in Germany.

Beej: I'm inclined to look on the bright side; this guy comes to Germany, loses all of his documentation, presumably all of his money as well...and the country just gives him a free tour!

Cori: I wonder if you can apply from Canada?

Beej: This is the ultimate travel hack. I mean, beats the hell out of AirB&B. I'm gonna try this when I go to PAX.

Kathleen: Beej, what could you POSSIBLY be applying for asylum from?! Poor body image brought on by seeing too many shots of Trudeau's abs? {TO CAMERA} He's got amazing abs!

Cori: {TO BEEJ} You know they won't let you come back, right?

Beej: Well, I wouldn't want to be a member of any club that would have me.

Kathleen: What about the Feed Dump Host Club?

{SHOT OF BEEJ'S EMPTY CHAIR, WITH CRICKETS PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND. THE CAMERA THEN PANS TO KATHLEEN}

Kathleen: Really wish Beej would stop leaving mid-episode. But, remember, there may be better sources of news that don't have Beej (because we don't have Beej) but they'd also don't have...{DONS TALL AMERICAN-FLAG-LIKE FLOPPY TOP HAT}...THIS hat...which is a very patriotic "'Merca" hat. {SINGS} The Star-Spangled Banner...it's so shiny and free. I don't know the lyrics to the song, either. Um, hooray for the screaming freedom eagle, comes from the skies for hamburgers and French fries. America!

{FEED DUMP CREDITS, WITH IAN NICKNAMED "THE OTHER ONE"...AND WITHOUT CORI FOR SOME REASON}

Kathleen: {STILL SINGING} America. Home of the brave. And the freedom eagle...that screams at you from the skies. And says, "Caw caw! Second Amendment!" {EVERYONE STARTS BREAKING DOWN LAUGHING}