A Surprisingly Articulate Butt Transcript

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Transcript for Feed Dump- A Surprisingly Articulate Butt

{FEED DUMP TITLE}

Kathleen: Welcome to Feed Dump where, this week, I have vetoed Cam's suggestion that we all be "extinction events" and, in fact, we are "music festivals". This week, I'm "Shambhala", one of the only places you can watch a stoned dot-com millionaire try to pick up a teen-aged runaway who's tripping balls on ten grams of "magic mushrooms". Joining me this week is "Lollapalooza"...

Ian: Where you can watch a CHICAGO-based dot-com millionaire who is tripping balls try to pick up a teen-aged runaway who's tripping balls on ten grams of "magic mushrooms".

Kathleen: ...and "Sasquatch".

Cameron: Where you, too, can watch a SHOELESS 40-year-old millionaire dot-com-mer try to pick up a teen-aged runaway tripping balls on ten grams of "magic mushrooms".

{TITLE: LOOK, I'VE BEEN TO A FEW MUSIC FESTIVALS IN MY DAY, OKAY}

Kathleen: A Michigan man has been found guilty of theft after he sold a backpack full of dirty gym socks to a couple who wanted to buy a pound of marijuana. He could get up to seven-and-half years in prison.

Cameron: Since when does a pound of marijuana take up an entire backpack? I mean...I mean, no comment.

Ian: I'm more concerned about who saves up a POUND's worth of dirty socks in one place.

Cameron: {OPENS UP BACKPACK ON HIS LAP AND LOOKS IN} Dese be some dang nugs.

Kathleen: So the guy actually pled guilty to "false pretenses" because he sold them a {FINGER QUOTES} "pound of marijuana" for $2800. And then the police came and broke up this supposed drug deal. And, uh, the couple who tried to buy the marijuana said they had been robbed. Uh, and the guy said, "No, no, it's OK. I didn't bring any ACTUAL marijuana."

Cameron: He sold a pound of weed for $2800?! I'm in the wrong place! I have to leave! I...I mean, "no comment,...future employers."

Ian: He got $2800 for a pound of gym socks. Which means that every teenage boy is sitting on top of a gold mine! {SOUNDS LIKE OLD PROSPECTOR} A crusty gold mine!!

Cameron: {TO IAN} GYM socks, not BUNK socks. {ABOUT TO THROW UP}

Ian: Either way, dey be dank as foooook!

Kathleen: In what New York prosecutors are calling a truly bizarre case, three men have been charged with {READING FROM iPHONE} "burglary, criminal mischief, unlawful eviction and criminal trespass" after they broke into a house, changed the locks and when the homeowner came back, demanded that she sign over the deed to the place to them. She did not.

Cameron: Did they see this on an episode of "Batman"?!

Ian: Hold up, Cam...do you mean the ANIMATED series or the ADAM WEST one?

Cameron: Oh, the Adam West one. The animated series was vaguely plausible.

Ian: Yes. It had zeppelins in the opening.

Cameron: I'm not even being facetious here! This really sounds like something I've seen on TV! Or is this just how the Crusaders thought it was going to work as well?

Ian: No, Cam. What you're experiencing is a RACIAL memory. This is LITERALLY how we lost our land.

Cameron: Oof...now I feel bad...NO, WAIT! It was an episode of "Chip 'N' Dale's Rescue Rangers"!!

Kathleen: Meanwhile, in Branchburg, New Jersey, police say a man who was planning a robbery accidentally butt-dialed 911, allowing the police to listen in on his plans.

Cameron: No, wait, it was "Animaniacs"!!

Kathleen: Cam, we're on to a different story now. Let it go!

Cameron: Oh, so what? He was betrayed by his own ass; it happens to everyone! I have "person" matters here to consider...

Ian: {TO KATHLEEN} I need to get a hold of this guy, learn his technique. Siri has a hard time processing ANYTHING my ass says.

Cameron: Frankly, I'm glad this man is in police custody because his magical enunciating asshole sounds dangerous.

Kathleen: According to prosecutors, while police didn't know exactly where the phone call came from, they were able to trace the number back to 42-year-old Scott Esser. And then they followed him and arrested him when he broke into a house later that day.

Ian: So you're telling me that Scott didn't check his phone at ANY time between the butt-dialing and the robbery? That man has a rich life!

Cameron: So not only does he have an implausibly articulate butt but people come to HIM instead of him having to contact THEM?! I'm fully jealous!

Ian: Yeah, this guy has a LOT going on!

Cameron: Well, I mean, not any more. He and his narc-ing pre-hensile ass have been remanded to police custody.

Ian: {STRAIGHT TO CAMERA} You do NOT want to be making your "one phone call" after Scott.

Kathleen: And, on that sophisticated note - that "brown note", if you will - it's time for this episode to come to a close. But, remember, there may be better sources for news...{DONS PINK BASEBALL CAP WITH FLUFFY BUNNY EARS ON TOP}...but they don't have THIS hat...which was given to us by Daniel from an amusement park in "Gothenburg" {PRONOUNCED LIKE "YO-TA-BOY"} which is a place in Sweden. It's this place. {SPREADS HANDS ALONG BOTTOM OF SCENE WHERE "GOTHENBURG" APPEARS} I had no idea that {POINTS TO WORD} this word was pronounced "YO-ta-boy". {WORD DISAPPEARS} But Daniel told me it was and I'm sure he wasn't lying to me. If he was, please let me know in the comments. {TITLE SUPERIMPOSED ON BOTTOM OF SCREEN: ACTUALLY DON'T LET ME KNOW} He probably wasn't. Would anybody who gives this hat not be trustworthy?! {SHRUGS} Maybe?!?

{FEED DUMP CREDITS}

Cameron: Zeppelins have not been proven not to exist, Ian.

Kathleen: And meanwhile, in Branchburg, New Jersey, police say a man planning a rubbery...rubbery...

Cameron: {OFF-SCREEN} Rubbery? "A man planning a rubbery."

Kathleen: Heh-heh. {IN BAD ENGLISH ACCENT} Bring me a rubbery! Your FINEST rubbery! {IN NORMAL VOICE} Monty Python jokes. That's what the kids today like! {EVERYONE CRACKS UP} That'll NEVER get old.