A Pig Inside a Cow Transcript

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Transcript for Feed Dump- A Pig Inside A Cow

{FEED DUMP TITLES}

Graham: {WEARING CHAIN CHOMP HAT} Welcome to Feed Dump, where I'm feelin' chompy. Joining me this week is Gyarados,

Jer: {WEARING GYARADOS HAT} I do something!

Graham: {WEARING CHAIN CHOMP HAT} And Magikarp!

Paul: {WEARING MAGIKARP HAT} I do not!

Jer: {WEARING GYARADOS HAT} So I guess we start every story by like, trading Paul out for someone else? And then... then they do the rest and then we get experience...

Paul: {WEARING MAGIKARP HAT} And then turn into you? That doesn't seem like evolution.

Graham: {WEARING CHAIN CHOMP HAT} And you know what plural pokemon sucks? Pikachus.

{Y'KNOW WHAT POKEMON SUCKS? PIKACHUS/NEWS}

Graham: Two Salt Lake City police officers were cleared of wrong doing when they uh-la blah.

Two Salt Lake City police officers were cleared of any Ron- wrong. Ron doing. Hi! Ron Dewing here. {SUBTITLE: RON DEWING} Welcome to Feed Dump.

Two Salt Lake City police officers were cleared of any wrongdoing relating to an incident where they used pepper spray and a baton on a bunch of spectators at a high school football game because they didn't know what a haka was.

They "feared a riot."

Paul: {WEARING POLICE OFFICER HAT} I don't understand that. I'll get the pepper spray.

Jer: Is Salt Lake City on like, on the same planet as us? Sometimes... sometimes I just need to be reminded.

Paul: Maybe it's just any kind of aggressive dancing they're really concerned about. So like, there's a school dance, and some really fast music comes on, just the cops just burst in and pepper spray everybody. Just in case!

Jer: Well, this... this is Salt Lake City, so basically all school dances are are sort of {MIMES ARM LENGTH DANCING} this anyway.

Paul: For any cops out there who are concerned about this problem and wondering the difference between a riot and people doing a haka, you can tell the difference bequa- bequz. {SUBTITLE: "BEQUZ" APPEARS ON SCREEN}

Because a riot people aren't all moving in the exact same way all in time to music. I think the real problem with this might have been that these guys were just doing a really really bad haka. So like, if your haka can be misconstrued as just people flailing around randomly? Maybe you're just doing it wrong. In which case pepper spraying was entirely valid.

Graham: Sometimes stupid things happen in our neck of the woods. Which means it's time for another instalment of LOL Canada.

{TITLE: LOL CANADA! Voiceover: LOL CANADA, OUR HOME AND NATIVE -OH}

Graham: The Montreal jeans company Naked and Famous is releasing raspberry scented scratch-n-sniff jeans.

Jer: We are talking about genetics company, right? Why would you wish this on your children?

Paul: Yeah, yeah, it's true! I have scratch and sniff jeans! Watch! {RUBS BUTT ON SOFA} Alright now smell my butt.

Jer: It seems to me like if someone is trying to get you to smell their pantular area, they're probably trying to trick you.

Graham: Nah, Steve, seriously! Seriously! Smell my butt. No smell, no, I'm, seriously! No no, I know I did, but I won't this time. Trust me, smells like raspberries. Trust me, trust me. {MAKES FARTING NOISE} Ptttthbtt! Haaaaa!

Paul: {WEARING LAB COAT} Uh, Mr. Petter, I did tell you that if you scratch it, it's just gonna make it worse.

I know you're saying you didn't scratch it, but you smell like raspberries so obviously you've been scratching.

Graham: The company said the scent has been found to endure at least five washes.

Jer: If you don't wash your pants more than five times, they are going to smell anyway.

Paul: Probably not of raspberries, though.

Jer: Depending on your definition of raspberry...

Paul: I think this is a real big advancement. What we could do is to just get like, patchwork pants, with each patch having like a different smell. And then you can just be like, I wanna smell like this! Scratch scratch scratch. Ta Da!

Graham: You'd think the Colorado Big Cat refuge would be able to deter people from breaking into it, what with their hundred and twenty lions and tigers and cougars and leopards etcetera. But two break ins in the last month says otherwise.

So I want you guys to guess why people were trying to break into a big cat compound.

Jer: Animal tranquilizers.

Paul: Like, a rival big cat zoo that's trying to like, steal away their best cats?

Jer: Some... cat lady? Looking for a pet?

Paul: Ooh, a dog zoo that they're about to have like the big game on Saturday, and they want to get the uh cat zoo's mascot.

Jer: A... cat breeder, about to go... to the county fair? And enter like, the largest tabby competition?

Graham: OK, the first incident all they did was cut open a tiger cage and let the tigers out from their cage into the greater compound. So nothing actually happened. They just had to repair the cage. The second people the guy arrived in the morning and found two people in the main compound just trying to pet a cougar. They just wanted to pet a cougar.

Jer: You know, growing up and going to university in a town like Victoria, I can tell you there are bars downtown where the cougars will pet you. And you don't even have to break in to anywhere.

Graham: Come with me on this journey. In Vermont the symbol of the state police is a crest thing with a field and a pine tree and a cow and some mountains. They get inmates doing a work program to make these decals to go on the police cars. An inmate altered the artwork so that one of the spots on the cow is shaped like a pig. This has been going on for years and they only just noticed it.

Jer: That is some next level griefing. To put a pig inside a cow. Like uh... a cog.

Paul: Well why stop there? You could make like, a turducken thing. You could take, take a lamb, and put it inside the pig, and then take a chicken and put it inside the lamb! And you could be like, coglambpkin. You take the whole cow pig lamb chicken thing, and put it inside an elephant. Then it's elphantocoglampkin. And thems good eatin'.

Graham: {RON DEWINGS APPEARS ON SCREEN} Ron Dewings here for elphantocoglampkin. When you absolutely need all the meat at once.

Paul: Ooh, alright, then take that entire thing with the elephant and put it inside a blue whale.

Jer: I like my elphantocoglampkin blue?

Paul: And then you take that entire thing and... no, I think that's that's pretty much as far as you can go when I think about it.

Graham: Now I'm hungry! So until next time, remember: there may be better sources for news, but they do not have {PUTS ON GYARADOS HAT} these awesome hats, because they were donated to us by squishy productions dot store envy dot com. {http://squishyproductions.storenvy.com APPEARS ON SCREEN}

Paul: {WEARING MAGIKARP HAT} {MAKING ADORABLE SPLASHING MOVEMENTS} Splash splash splash splash! Splash splash splash!

{FEED DUMP CREDITS}

Graham: Hi, Ron Dewing. What? {LAUGHS} Don't even worry about it!