A Machine to Scare Badgers Transcript

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Transcript for Feed Dump- A Machine to Scare Badgers

{FEED DUMP TITLE}

Kathleen: Welcome to Feed Dump where this week, despite everything being "Pokemon GO"-themed all the time, we are NOT Pokemon! We are "inspiring fictional politicians", because we are different. That's right! No "Pokemon GO" news here (except for one I'm going to talk about later). Uh, this week, I'm "King Arthur". Joining me is "Aragon"...

Serge: I am Aragon, son of Arathorn. Uniting human-kind, raising the armies of the dead, we will defeat evil together!

Kathleen: ...and "Vol'jin". {PAUSE} Who is "Vol'jin"?!

Cameron: I'm the humble and reluctant, yet inspiring, war-chief of the Horde, who stepped in after the disastrous rule of Hellscream.

Kathleen: {OFF-SCREEN} Oh, THAT thing.

Cameron: Yeah. I'm also, like, eight feet tall.

{TITLE: WORLD OF WARCRAFT JOKES!}

Kathleen: Police in Belleville, Ontario are asking the public to help them solve a strange mystery. There has been a rash of female mannequin thefts. In one occurrence, a C$160 prom dress was torn off a female mannequin and left behind on the floor. So far, eleven lady dummies have been stolen.

Serge: That's...gotta be a creepy sex thing. There's NO way that's not a creep sex thing.

Cameron: {TO IAN} Have you SEEN a mannequin?! They're FREAKY. This would be way less scary if it was just demons possessing the mannequins and making them walk around.

Kathleen: According to owner of one of the stores where some of these mannequins have been stolen from, the police actually told her that they think the suspect has a "mannequin fetish". So, that's great.

Serge: If we know it's a creepy sex thing, do you even WANT the mannequins back?!

Cameron: Well, I mean, they're being stolen so I assume mannequins are really expensive. Otherwise, you'd just...BUY them.

Kathleen: Besides, Serge, stealing the mannequins is, at least, HALF of his fetish.

Serge: I wonder what the market's like for used mannequins?

Cameron: Define "used". Gently, or...vigorously?

Kathleen: A new study from researchers at Western University has found that the thing that scares badgers most is the sound of CBC News. {BREAKS DOWN LAUGHING ALONG WITH CAMERON; TEST PATTERN BRIEFLY SHOWS}

Cameron: Yeah, the comments section has that effect on me, too.

Serge: So much of my childhood was spent in fear of Peter Mansbridge's face; I completely understand.

Cameron: CBC News: now tripping the badger-fuck-o-meter all the way up to one.

Kathleen: {HOLDING iPHONE} So here's how this worked: {READS FROM iPHONE} Over a five-night period, an ecologist named Liana Zanette went out to a badger community in Oxford just after dusk, as the animals usually came out to eat. And she buried their favorite food - which is apparently peanuts - in the ground...so thinking it would lure the badgers out. And lure it did. However, while they were out there, she played them a collection of five different sounds. The sounds included sheep, bears, wolves, dogs and people engaged in conversation. So you'd think that, y'know, hearing something like "As It Happens" - because this ecologist was a CBC fan and that's one of the sounds she played - would've been like, "Oh, I feel entertained AND slightly caught up on current affairs while eating my peanuts." But, instead, they're were just, like, "Nope, nope, nope!" and, like, went right back to their dens.

Cameron: "As It Happens"?! Well, that explains it. Their "punny" news summaries at the end of their introductions drive ME into a squirrel-slaying rage, too!

Kathleen: A 62-year-old man from Coeymans, New York became stuck in a mud pit while playing "Pokemon GO".

Serge: I understand not paying attention and getting that first foot stuck in the mud...but to look at your phone, see the Grimer and be, like, "No, we're goin' in!"...that's dedication!

Cameron: Just makes me wanna grab them by there fluffy little tails and just...BASH 'em on something! And BASH 'em and BASH 'em and B-...

'{CHANNEL TWO "TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES" SLATE SHOWS FOR A FEW SECONDS WHILE CAMERON CALMS DOWN AND GETS ON THE CURRENT STORY}

Cameron: He wandered out into the woods behind his home at 2 a.m.? You DO know that "Slenderman" isn't a Pokemon, right?!

Serge: He's gonna get mugged by a Gru.

Cameron: You know what? No. We're NOT shaming this man. I wandered into a Greenbelt at two in the morning to get some ten-year-olds off a Gym that they had displaced me from earlier that afternoon. And I almost got my chest kicked in by a deer. But I took that Gym! For...like...at least, the next five hours. It was mine.

Serge: Next week on Feed Dump: local internet clown murdered by deer while playing "Pokemon GO".

Cameron: Look, there are a LOT of hazards you can wander into while playing "Pokemon GO" so you have to be wary. You could wander into a mud pit, as this man did. Or into an open manhole cover. The wilderness, where you can get eaten by a bear. Um, you could wander into secured areas patrolled by humorless men with sub-machine guns. Or you could just wind up having to have human interactions and have somebody TALKING to you.

Serge: If a man walks up to you and wants to show you his "Pokemans", {IN A LIGHT WHISPER} just run.

Kathleen: Hey, hey, hey, now! You guys are just offering what is remarkably good and sound advice...and we CAN'T have that on Feed Dump! I just can't stand for it. If someone offers to show you his "Pokemans" in a lude way, you're ONLY recourse should be to throw YOUR Pokeballs AT is crotch until he has been captured. Then you could send it back to the Professor for study - a.k.a., to get ground up into "Crotch Candy".

Cameron: {FINGER QUOTES} "Crotch Candy" - a.k.a. Wether's Originals.

Kathleen: But, remember: there may be better sources of news, but they won't give you useful advice like that and they don't have...{DONS RED FURRY VIKING HAT}...THIS hat...which Daniel sent to us. Now, if you're a fan of Magic, you'll know that, if you wear a hat like that, sometimes you "go to Brown Town"...but I guess I'm going to..."Red Town"? {PAUSE} There's a lot of gross jokes I could make about that...

{FEED DUMP CREDITS}

Cameron: If I see a mannequin in a profile photo on Tinder, it's an automatic "swipe left".

Kathleen: {WEARING VIKING HAT} What's a red sports team? Kansas State?

Cameron: {OFF-CAMERA} The Red Wings?

Kathleen: The Red Wings! Hockey! {CHUCKLES}

Cameron: {OFF-CAMERA} I got MY "red wings" when I was eighteen.

Kathleen: NOOOOOOOOOOO!