2015 Holidump Transcript

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Transcript for Feed Dump- 2015 Holidump

{FEED DUMP TITLE}

Graham: Welcome to Feed Dump! It is Christmastime and we are the Christmas ghosts! I am "The Ghost of Christmas Past" here to tell you, "Buy Apple stock." It's not Christmas related; it's just smart. Did you buy Apple stock yet? Should've bought Apple stock. Joining me this week is "The Ghost of Christmas Present"...

Paul: I'm socks!

James: {OFFSCREEN} No, "Present", not "Presents"!

Paul: Oh. Um, it's...it's 2015. Oooooooo.

Graham: ...and "The Ghost of Christmas Future".

James: Flying cars! We have them now! They are very dangerous.

Graham: We're crappy ghosts!

{TITLE: GHOSTS STILL BETTER THAN A HAUNTING BY THREE DUMPS}

Graham: An Austrian radio DJ is being punished after he locked himself in the broadcast booth and played Wham!'s "Last Christmas" 24 times in a row.

{SHOT OF PAUL AND JAMES}

James: {SINGING} Last Christmas, I gave you my heart/The very next day, you gave it away/Doo doo...

Paul: Yeah, I'm not familiar with that song.

{BACK TO SOLO SHOTS}

James: So, when you say "punished", I assume you mean they stuck him in a room and just made him listen to "Last Christmas" over and over and over again. But he wasn't broadcasting so...what's the point?

Paul: He didn't actually get in trouble for playing the same song over and over again. He got in trouble because he was SUPPOSED to be playing "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go" 24 times. Guy really likes Wham!.

{SHOT OF PAUL AND JAMES}

James: {SINGING} Wake me up before you go-go/Doo-doo-doo...

Paul: Nah, I'm not familiar with that song.

James: It's "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go"!

Paul: Oh, THAT's what that song is?!

{JAMES SIGHS AS WE GO BACK TO SOLO SHOTS}

Paul: I wonder why he stopped at 24? I'm imagining that his entire production team is just breaking down the door with an ax being, like, "Please! Stop!"

Graham: Actually, he stopped because his daughter phoned him and BEGGED him to stop because it was making everyone mad.

Paul: I'd like to imagine that, while he was playing the songs, he's also just taking calls from the audience...of the audience BEGGING him to stop playing!

{SHOT OF PAUL AND JAMES. PAUL HAS HEADPHONES ON AND IS HOLDING A MIC, JAMES IS ON A CELL PHONE}

Paul: {AS DJ} Caller number one, you're on the air. What's your feeling about "Last Christmas"?

James: {AS CALLER} Oh, please, stop! It's been 16 times in a row!!

Paul: {AS DJ} No! But thanks for calling!

{JAMES (AS CALLER) STARTS TO SOB; BACK TO SOLO SHOTS}

James: Ah, Christmas. SOME people's dads go on racist tirades. Other people's dads play Wham!...26 times...in a row.

Graham: A seven-year-old New Jersey girl called 9-1-1 because she accidentally touched her {FINGER QUOTES} "Elf on the Shelf".

Look, I didn't...I didn't have an "Elf on the Shelf". I don't know what this is supposed to be. {READS FROM iPHONE} But, according to the police, they say that "she phoned and she was worried because, according to the popular children's book, the magic of Christmas goes away if the Elf is touched." THAT's stupid!

James: {READING FROM iPHONE} "The book tells of how the magic might disappear if the scout Elf is touched. So the rule for the Elf on the Shelf states, 'There's only one rule that you have to follow/So I will come back and be here tomorrow/Please do not touch me; my magic might go/And Santa won't hear all I've seen or I know.'" That's fucked up!

Paul: So Santa is in your house all the time, watching you in plain sight, but you aren't allowed to interfere. Are you sure the NSA didn't write this?

James: This is the most post-9/11 Christmas story I have ever heard!

Paul: {ON iPHONE AS OPERATOR} 9-1-1. What's your emergency? Oh, dear. You say you had an Elf on the Shelf and you touched it. Yup, well, yeah, I'm afraid that's true, yup. Christmas magic is gone now. Sorry.

Graham: Apparently, she told the 9-1-1 operator not to send anybody because she had meant to phone her Dad...supposedly. Uh, and her mother awoke to find her - again, the seven-year-old - trying to shoo an officer out of the house.

James: Eh, that's fair. My Dad's phone number is ALSO 9-1-2.

Paul: That's actually a pretty good strategy. If you're gonna rob a bank, bring along a seven-year-old girl to just shoo away the police. What are they gonna do, shoot her?

James: New Jersey? I'd give it 50-50.

Paul: Well, she's probably packing, too.

Graham: Mark and Cathy Hyatt from Plantation, Florida has a 200,000-light spectacle of decorations on their house and garden, including a giant sign beckoning viewers to experience the spirit of Christmas above their garage. And the city of Plantation is suing them because it's a public nuisance.

James: Experience the magic of Christmas? More like "experience the magic of a four-figure electric bill"!

Paul: Yeah, this lawsuit might actually be cheaper.

Graham: One of their neighbors has to erect plastic construction fencing to keep the thousands of sightseers off of his lawn. Uh, the couple, {READS FROM iPHONE} says THEY feel that the light display "engenders goodwill and a bond between the community"...which is PROBABLY not the case!

Paul: The 200,000 lights wasn't that bad. But I think it was a mistake to have it play "Last Christmas" by Wham! over and over and over again.

James: Agreed. Personally, I would've gone with "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go".

Paul: Oh, I thought the nuisance was that there were 200,000 lights, not that it just attracted a whole bunch of tourists. Maybe...maybe they can keep the light show but just...keep everybody away...with guns.

Graham: The neighbors also complained about tourist cutting THROUGH their property or knocking on their door to use the bathroom to see this light display...that they START planning for in July, by the way! I'd say they need a hobby but they HAVE one and it's pissing off the whole neighborhood.

Paul: Now that I'm hearing all the details here, it seems like the TOURISTS are the real assholes! If the light display is gone, they're just gonna be assholes somewhere ELSE in the city.

James: What they need to do is set up a nice light show OUTSIDE of the city. By, like, the tar pits! Florida has those, right? I'm just assuming.

Paul: Well, I guess the couple was right about ONE thing: this IS bringing the community together...against THEM. It's really a kind of "enemy of my enemy" thing.

Graham: Which, for some of us, is the best we can hope for this time of year. So, until next time, remember: there may be better sources for news but they don't have THIS hat...{PUTS ON SANTA EARMUFFS}...because it's NOT a hat. It is a pair of Santa Claus earmuffs. And, uh, they're quite toasty...and creepy! So, covering the "toast" and "creep" spectrum, uh, have a happy holidays from us at Feed Dump. This is weird!

{FEED DUMP CREDITS}

{SHOT OF AN "ELF ON THE SHELF"...WITH SFX OF A CAMERA ZOOMING IN}

{SHOT OF ENTIRE SET, WITH ALL THREE "DUMP"ERS VISIBLE}

Graham: {STILL WEARING EARMUFFS} That's it for Feed Dump this week AND for this Feed Dump set. Because, the next time you see Feed Dump, it will be from "Moonbase Delta" and the new set...that will look like something.

Paul: {POINTS UP TO CEILING} We're gonna miss you, pipe that tells us when somebody flushed the toilet upstairs.

James: No, we won't.

Graham: Not immensely, no. {POINTS TO VIEWER} YOU might, 'cause you seem to be into that. But, for us, it's actually really irritating.

{SHOUT OF THE OUTSIDE OF MOONBASE WHILE THE CLOSING SONG FROM "THE INCREDIBLE HULK" TV SERIES PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND. THESE WORDS GET SUPERIMPOSED ON THE SHOT}

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