'Till All Are One Transcript

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Transcript for Feed Dump- 'Till All Are One

{FEED DUMP TITLE}

Kathleen: Welcome to Feed Dump. This week, in honor of Father's Day, we're all "things we love about Dads". I'm "Dad jokes".

Beej: {OFF-SCREEN} Hi, "Dad jokes". I'm Beej.

Kathleen: Did I say "love"? I meant "hate". Joining me this week is "golfing attire"...

Beej: I'm not even a dad but I got the wardrobe down pat!

Kathleen: ...and "the inability to bear children".

Ian: BEAR children?! I don't even want HUMAN children!!

{TITLE: JUNE 19 ALSO, WORLD SAUNTERING DAY}

Kathleen: Dateline: Brockton, Ontario. Police and firefighters were called to a local park after a heated argument broke out about the shape of the Earth.

Ian: Not to be a pedant {PRONOUNCED "PEE-DANT"}, but "flat" isn't a shape.

Beej: Not to be a pedant {PRONOUNCED "PEE-DANT"}, but it's pronounced "pedant" {PRONOUNCED "PEH-DANT"}!

Ian: OK, are we talking platonic solids or sports-ball shapes or fruits or things they found in each others' ears?

Kathleen: {TO IAN} We're actually talking a platonic solids thing, probably. Because it was a woman arguing with her boyfriend's dad so, if it's NOT platonic, then there's more issues there than I wanna get into. But here's what happened: the woman was saying that the Earth was flat...and the boyfriend's dad was saying that the Earth was round. And he got so enraged over the course of this argument, he started throwing things into their campfire, including a propane cylinder...which then caught fire. Uh, and then the police were called. Turns out neither side would change their views.

Beej: Burning all of your possessions to prove to the other side that you're right?! I can't wait to see this to come up at election season!

Kathleen: I can appreciate that there's a certain kind of person who's so scientifically dubious and distrustful of authority that they won't believe anything unless they see it first-hand. Luckily, it's EASY to prove to somebody that the Earth is round. You can just send them on a non-stop around-the-world boat trip. The bonus is that then they'll be gone for, like, two years.

Ian: The BAD news is you're out about ten thousand dollars. But if you just throw the stuff into the fire anyway, you've probably got "money to burn", too.

Kathleen: {SINGING BILLY JOEL'S FAMOUS SONG} o/~ We didn't start the fire o/~

{IAN AND BEEJ LEAN IN AND SING, TOO}

All: o/~ It was always burning since the world's been turning o/~ 'CAUSE IT'S FUCKING ROUND!

Kathleen: A nationwide blackout hit Kenya this week after a monkey fell onto a transformer.

Beej: {LOOKING EXCITED} Did the monkey DIE? Finally some good monkey news!

Ian: {LIKEWISE EXCITED AND CLAPPING HIS HANDS} AHHHHHH! My Beast Wars/Gen 1 Transformers cross-over slash-fic came true!

Beej: Wait, "slash-fic"?! Does the monkey fuck the Transformer?!

Ian: {OFF-SCREEN, SINGING} "Clang, clang, clang..."

Kathleen: {HOLDING iPHONE} No, he DID "fuck" the transformer; the whole power grid went down, they lost 180 megawatts.

Ian & Beej: {OFF-SCREEN, SINGING} "Clang, clang, clang went the trolley!"

Kathleen: And now, it's time for a new segment for this week only: "Deep Insights with Beej".

{SHOT OF BEEJ THINKING WITH HIS HAND ON HIS CHIN}

Ian: {BEHIND SHOT} "Deep Insights with Beej".

Beej: Here's an insight: I don't like monkeys. I never have, I don't think I ever will. I know the internet LOVES monkeys and...fine. But I don't. I hate the little bastards. They got little monkey paws and they'll be touching all your shit and fucking things up. They're not very clean. I think they make terrible pets. Like,...Ross on "Friends", he owned a monkey. That was AWFUL! Nobody liked that monkey. I didn't like that monkey. Ross even got to fuck Jennifer Aniston's character; I didn't like that, either!

Kathleen: {LEANING IN TO SHOT} He got to fuck Jennifer Aniston's character even though he OWNED A MONKEY!

Beej: {FRUSTRATED} I KNOW, RIGHT?! {POINTS TO CAMERA} Doesn't that make YOU MAD?!?!?

Ian: {FRUSTRATED} I KNOW!! And the fact that Hot Rod got the Matrix of Leadership from Optimus Prime when Ultra Magnus was CLEARLY superior leader!!! WHAT THE FUCKING HE-

{CHANNEL TWO "TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES" SLATE APPEARS, COMPLETE WITH FULL VOICE-OVER, FOR ABOUT TEN SECONDS WHILE EVERYONE CALMS DOWN}

Kathleen: Batemans Bay, Australia, a sleepy seaside town usually known as a tourist destination...except it's ALSO now home to about 136,000 giant bats (which are endangered) and have droppings so acidic that they will melt the paint off your car lest you clean it off in a couple of hours.

Ian: {PARODYING TAY ZONDAY'S "HIT"} o/~ Batshit rain/You should prob'bly now get off the plane/Batshit rain! o/~

Beej: I mean, this SOUNDS terrible but it's happening in Australia and bats only come out at night. And the sun never goes down in Australia, right? 'Cause it's in the southern hemisphere?

Ian: No, no, no, Beej. You're thinking about the Arctic. This is the southern hemisphere; their days and nights are backwards.

Beej: So then all of the people SLEEP during the day...like bats. What's the problem?

Kathleen: {GRUNTING IN FRUSTRATION} The problem is that there are a LOT of fucking bats! Like a LOT of bats! Like "guano raining from the sky" as many bats. And, like, bats coming in thousands and thousands and screeching and waking everybody up. And flying into power lines, knocking out power to the whole town not once, not twice, but NINE NIGHTS in a row in April! Like, a lot of bats! {READS FROM iPHONE} One local resident, Kim Swadling, wins the Understatement of the Year Award for saying, "It's just not pleasant."

Beej: Guano's just falling from the sky? God, I usually have to pay, like, five dollars extra for that with chips!

Ian: {REMOVING GLASSES} No, Beej,...guano's the stuff they put in energy drinks to make you stay up all night.

Beej: Just like Australia, when the sun's out all night!! But bats are nocturnal so why are they out during the day?!?

Ian: Sunspots!

Kathleen: {LOOKING LIKE SHE HAS A MIGRAINE STARTING} Ohhhhhhh. OK, we're gonna call this episode to a close...in case I catch "stupid". But, remember: there may be better sources of news but they don't have...{PUTS ON LARGE BLACK WOOL CAP WITH TWO "BUNS" OVER THE EARS}...THIS hat...which is a "Princess Leia" hat. It was made by {HOLDS UP LETTER HAT CAME WITH} Pauline and Jamie last year. And they were waiting for a whole year to send it to us 'cause they didn't have our address. And, speaking of address, because we are dumb, we gave you a slightly incorrect address. So, remember, if you want to send us hats, send it to THIS address:

{BLACK SCREEN WITH EERIE MUSIC; AS BEEJ READS THE ADDRESS, THE WORDS SHOW UP ON-SCREEN}'

Beej: Bionic Trousers Media Inc., P.O. Box 8132 Victoria Main, Victoria, BC, V8W 3R8, Ottawa, Canada.

{THE WORD "OTTAWA" IS THEN REMOVED}

Kathleen: {STILL WEAR LEIA HAT} The "Ottawa" part's not real. It's an ongoing joke we have. It's like all the "write-in to" Canadian things all ended in "Ottawa"...if you've been grown up in Canada, you'd understand why that was funny! Kathleen OUT!

{FEED DUMP CREDITS}

{SHOT OF IAN WITH THE EXCITED LOOK ON HIS FACE FROM THE SECOND STORY...THEN CLEARING HIS THROAT, MAKING EVERYONE LAUGH}

Beej: {OFF-SCREEN} We got our stinger! Awesome!

{AND SO THEY DO}